I’ve been a big believer in post marathon depression for a long time. My first race was in 2008. I trained for 20 weeks, ran one of the most exciting races of my life and at the risk of upsetting some of you, I was excited with the results of the presidential election two days later.
After the marathon, I celebrated with a few friends and some family. And then, the person I was living with and I had an election party a few nights later. There was a lot of excitement in those three days.
And then, it was over.
Nothing.
Blank.
Where was my motivation to get out of bed, let alone run?
Eventually I pulled myself out of it, signed up for more races and life got back to a kind of normal.
Since that day, I’ve gone on to run 18 more around the country (for a total of 19 marathons). I’ve also completed four triathlons, a few biathlons, numerous halfs, 10Ks, 5Ks and four and five mile races. I don’t write this here to brag, rather, just to give you the full picture.
It’s been two weeks to the day since the 2021 NYC Marathon and I have to tell you that I’m still feeling a post-race depression like I’ve never felt before.
Something I never talk about here is that I suffer from clinical depression.
I think I was ashamed of it. I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t talk about it. This is who I am and I thinking writing about it is helping me with this episode.
Why am I telling you all this?
Indulge me for a minute.
My seven-year-old son asked me to kick around a ball with him this afternoon. My wife got him a ball that he’s able to play with inside that won’t break anything, it’s pretty fantastic.
So in the midst of me feeling awful, I got my up, started kicking around the ball with him. At one point he kicked it past me in his room and it knocked into his closet door.
My son likes to play with my medals and he has a selection of them hanging on his closet door. When he kicked the ball past me it banged into the jumble of medals hanging there and made that sound when they bang together, you know it right?
Anyway, it started me thinking that I’ve run all those races where I got those medals. Something about that sound and seeing those medals brought me right back to the finish line of all those races.
Each one of those stamped pieces of tin hanging on a colorful ribbon represent hard work and gallons of sweat that I put in to cross the finish line and have them put around my neck. They represent different moments in time where I was tired and sore but more importantly full of endorphins and elated. is something that I’ve accomplished.
I know of a lot of runners who throw their medals away after race. I’m not one of those runners. The ones that aren’t in my son’s room are in a basket in my closet that my wife continues to try to get me to throw away.
But today I’m glad I didn’t
That clanging of past medals gave me a spark of hope that I might just dig myself out of this fucking depressive episode.
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
My Current Running Gear
- Merch: https://dirtyoldsneakers.threadless.com/
- Fenix 6X Pro Solar: https://amzn.to/2lYguxk
- AfterShokz Aeropex: https://amzn.to/3cW9HcN
- Daily/Long Run: ASICS MagicSpeed: https://amzn.to/3DScnpb
- Speedwork: MetaSpeed: https://amzn.to/2Z7hB1F
- Trex Aeropex: https://amzn.to/3ciK9tf
- GoPro Hero Max 360: https://amzn.to/35VcOBv
- Oakley Half Jacket 2.0: https://amzn.to/2ZOcMI2
- Follow me on Strava: http://bit.ly/EricOnStrava
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
I have had periods of depression, but nothing major, just coping with the sometimes shitty world we live in, but agree that post-marathon it’s easy to have a massive comedown. So much structure and hard work, it almost defines you over that time, and then that’s it. Done…. and sometimes with an injury to boot.
It’s easy to only look forward, but recently I got my medals and hung them up next to my desk at home. I glance at them every so often and each one has a memory. It’s a good thing to do.